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All or Nothing
O-Town
i wanna let go i really do... but everytime i think of it
I know when he's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you'd realize
It's over, over
It's not the way I choose to live
And something somewhere's got to give
As sharing this relationship gets older, older
i m in such a deep rage...i really wanna shout
You know I'd fight for you
But how I can fight someone who isn't even there
I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you
I dont care if that's not fair
FUCK...FUCK it~
Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Is it all
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all
but then it's not gonna change anything isnt it?
There are times it seems to me
I'm sharing you with memories
I feel it in my heart
But I don't show it, show it
And then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you can see
Those times I don't believe it's right
I know it, know it
he's not gonna turn back...
Don't make me promises
Baby you never did know how to keep them well
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
It's time for show and tell
it cant be the same as before anymore...
Cause you and I
Could lose it all if you've got no more room
No room inside for me in your life
i'm the one suffering here...darn it...
Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
It's now or never
i just have to let it go
*****
but why is it so hard?
just thought about this old song...now i realize how ppl write songs...
I REALLY WANNA END THIS SUFFERING!
Old friend...
lolz...i did something unpredictable n wouldnt dare to do jus now...
my parents dam strict de lor...wont lemme go out with guys....n somemore wont let me sit guy's car....
but then they went to genting just now...since i was soo ermm chee sin last nite...
i wanna do something to let out my stress...i was thinking to go out lor...
then jus now my primary school fren called me...
he was like...wanna eat lunch ah?
then i said...ohh ok lor...
then he said...2 mins later i will reach ur house
i was like wth? how u know which 1 is my house wor? i nvr tell u my address oso
then he said...look outside ur house...
n then my bro was like....he come edi! i was like SWTZZZZ
lucky i just bathe n change jeh....@@"
then i mar went with him lor...raining...somemore dam cold i shivering ><"
then he lent me his shirt =.= lucky got extra! if not i sure freeze to death
but then he was in a hurry to a meeting so we just went to mcD's drive thru...
n then hor! I poured the coke in his car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WAAAAA...i was like shitzzzzzz.......1st time sit ppl's car already pour coke on ppl's car
wahseh!! pai seh....really feel bad man ><" sorry sorry sorry ><"
but then lucky i went out...go out le come back my mood happy abit edi
maybe i really spent too much time on ro n online...neglect all my frens...
angry...pain...
aaarrghhh.....
i was playing my piano jus now...n piano can make me think of things
i was playing a sad song...then the more i think the more im mad
then i started playing marriage d'amour...n i start to bang the piano! ><"
zzzzz....really kerlian my neighbours...they must hear such noise for 1 hour @@"
i was ignoring the soft parts n every note i played FF...super loud...
i was like banging the whole way....n it made me more angry i dono y =.=
even that memory....its suppose to be a soft song...i changed it to super fast super loud...
i hate...
dowan to play jor...wat else to let go ler?
hurting myself...i dono how to explain....i know we shouldnt hurt ourselves
but then sometimes the pain in ur heart is more painful than the pain outside
i just wanna forget that pain in my heart...really makes me suffocate...
dont worry la i wont end my life okie? just cut abit here n there wont die de =P
i really hate...
sometimes hor...do we think aabout other ppl?
even if i hate thaat person i wont make him/her hurt...
the truth is if u know u not gona be with that person for a long time then dont start n dont hurt the person~!
fuck...
my parents went to genting jor...i was hoping it to rain jus now...
yay now rain le..i can stand under the rain...
i wanna sneak out of the house lerrrrrr..........
if only i can drive!!!!!!!!!
fuck...
bahh...faster rain la...so i can stand under the rain.....
although i know the rain is acidic...
i still wanna do something to ease the pain
those of u who can read this,congratz
maybe i should go watch a movie...
i wonder what will happen ler? if i run out...
i just wanna let out
chaozz
hope u understand me...thx
fake
zzzzzzzz........nvr sleep whole nite again...not planning to sleep later too...zzzzzzzz
dono what to say...
really wanna scold those vulgar words...FUCK it...
sorry yea...sometimes when i dam mad i will do that
wa a bo sim liao...ee an zua kuan ei an ni kuan ler? wa pun em beng pek...
wa a ki...jin eh ah ki...wa ai chio wa ka ki ei stupidness...zou mi wa bo kua dio ler?
lolz...i guess not many of u can read...too bad la i cannot type more @@" dont really know...
sux............
really dono wat to say.....suxxxx.............
oh yea...i dont wanna msn jor~ my hand dam itchy de...
i will always go n click that msn window n look at that nick...
then i will start to starrrrrrreeeeeeeeeee n feel sad again...
somemore those ppl will farn me! dam irritating
really irritating....out of no where jus bug me liddat...
sorry yeah dont mean u guys...just those annoying ppl...
i feel like shutting myself out...dont wanna give a freaking dam anymore
n i dont giv a freaking dam if those of u who read this things i m crazy or watever u wanna think...
maybe wat frankie said was right...i dont wanna love anybody anymore...dont wanna get hurt or hurt ppl...
to think of it that's the reason i nvr open my heart to anyone...i should mind my own business n keep it shut next time...
what is hate? hate is....how i hate that...
but then i know i shouldnt hate somebody...
its what i say to myself...to not hate anybody...no matter what they do to u
i hope that feeling will go away....i dont wanna hate anybody
ggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr...................
p/s: since i wont be msn-ing anymore...
those of u who have any probs or anything u can sms or call me...
it wont be bside me everytime too...so ermm just be patience
or u can leave msg or comment here at my bloggie...
i will be updating often...cuz i have no where else to let out my feelings!
chaoz~
Pain
bloggiee.....i dono how to describe my feelings rite now...i really dono how to describe...
remember the thing that i told u in the last post? the dream...well in that dream i dreamt about knowing the truth about that thing...as in who is the person...how would i know that that dream happened...someone told me...n that was like piercing straight through my heart...although i did think about that possibility i just cant accept it till now...that's y that wedding ring on my priest is gone...its like such a big trauma that i dono wanna laugh or cry now...i really dont understand y...but i dont wanna know...every truth i found out is hurting me more...i thought maybe if i knew the truth i wont imagine so much but that made me hurt more...
in the past hour...i've sneaked out of my house through the back door...i stood in the rain...i took a knife n cut myself...n i took a needle to poke myself...i've got 3 cuts on my right leg...n around 50 puncture wounds on my leg...i know that we shouldnt hurt ourselves but then sometimes when u r in so much pain u would wanna hurt urself so that the new pain will overtake that pain in ur heart...u know that human brains will only analyze those important things...sometimes when ur other part of ur body is pain...u wont feel the pain elsewhere cuz the brain will not analyze it...so u wont feel it...now i understand how come ppl hurt themselves...after u hurt urself u feel sooo much relieve...u can temporary forget that pain in ur heart...u really do...
goshh my legs look soo ugly now...red marks all over...cannot wear skirt anymore le ><" well at least it made me feel better...really wanna say sorry to frankie n cele n onion ><" i didnt mean to do stupid things...i know its not worth to hurt urself for someone but then sometimes u r just too sad that u wanna stop that suffering n pain in ur heart...i should know most about it but i really dono wat got into me....arrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Dreams
seems like i've been blogging lotsa crap in here nowadays...lolz nvm bah at least i got a place to let out what i really feel...goshhh...my hands r so limp now...i slept for 16 hours...16!!!!! sux....i slept around 4am last nite n i only wanna wake up now! such a pig? ><" pig @@"
oh well...i cried to sleep again ><" was thinking bout that stuff...ya know there's a few ppl that treats me real good n some even told me that he's serious...sometimes when they treat me so good i feel guilty...cuz i know its not worth it as im still thinking of that person ><" for me to completely forget the feeling for 1 person...it would take me a few years...sighh~ in that few years time if im close with anybody i will feel dam dam guilty....n i wanna shut myself in my own world with my bolster nia =.= at least i wouldnt hurt anybody...
sigh...i had a bad bad dream last nite...i thought about those sweet memories to go to sleep...n then the only dream i remembered was of the bad 1 T.T sobzzz...i really dont wanna mention it here...but in that dream he really broke my heart...i can still feel the pain when i realize the truth @@" it's like....sighhh~ as much as i'd like to deny it...maybe that's wat's happening now...
i know i promised myself to forget about that...but then its really not that easy...especially for me...maybe i should i should not let anybody treat me good anymore...as in i dont wanna close to anyone...all i had b4 was my bolster...n all i have now is still my bolster...maybe i should stick to my bolster lolz...then nobody would be hurt...
sux
shuckss....i suddenly realize how come i nvr talk to my parents...today someone asked me how come not ngam...i cant think of a solid reason...after wat happened in the car on the way back home after dinner i know jor...i have no say in any matter...jus say 1 sentence which dont mean anything nia...she shoot like hell jor...even my bro tried to help me...then we start 1 topic she will scold for no reason...then will argue until like cats n dogs fighting...at last i had it i said shuddup la...i realize how come we nvr had discussion b4...n i realize how come i nvr tell anything to u...then she kept quiet...she will distort it n think negatively n start shooting me...shucks...
dammit i hate life...wish it would just end
i wanna go in my room n hug my bolster n cry jor...g'nite bloggie
Saturday, October 29, 2005
shopzz....
since im waiting to go to my grandma's bday dinner...i might as well blog in something cuz i m sooooo tired now....i wanna sleep but i cant!! T.T *yawnnnnzzz* i reached there around 1030 bah...surprisingly the train was fast...then i went to buy tix for Doom...its 18sg lor...
well i started watching 18 movies since i was 14...that time we were at genting with my sis' family n my bro...then he n his gf wanna watch the matrix 2....then i dont wanna slack at the hotel room...so i followed them lor...there got only 2 cinemas...somemore the entrance is in front of the door ler....the the guy nvr even asked n let me in...i was sooo noobie that time...since then i nvr got caught b4 XD maybe i look too old T.T but then today hor =.= sooo sueyz....went to watch with frankie...then we got nothing to do so we went in early...then then that guy tear our tix jor...then we walking in...suddenly
'excuse me!'
'huh?'
'r u guys 18?' then i was like shitz ><"
then we said yeah
'can u show me ur proof?...i was like die looo ><" then frankie showed his driver's license...i was like huh? isnt that 17 @@" but then apparently the guy dono how to count =.= zzz then he was like 'okay' wat about urs he asked me ><" then i was like...errr i nvr bringg....n i said im with him =P at last he jus said...nx time pls bring ur IC =P wakakaka~ xia sui ler...1st time kena @@" i somemore must cheat for 1 more year!! T.T
that show wasnt bad la...actually i tot im gona fall asleep there...but there were some geli scene!! dam ganas n very yucky de! i kept 'eeeee!' 'yerrrrrr...' 'waaaaa!' *with action somemore* then ppl looking at me ><" xia suii ><" i cannot watch horror n these kinda movie de....sure kena de T.T somemore got nobody for me to hold....lolz....that time got ppl say wanna train me to watch horror movies de...but too bad la...
then we went to eat mcD n i had to buy a bagg.....i cant make up my mindd....at last i settled for a pink sling bag from tropicana life...PINK! swtzzz...i nvr thought i will buy pink =.= then we met kigami n frenz...then kigami said something that made ryusei shout n run run run far far XD keke~ at 1st i dono wat they r talking about then i realize jor...*evil grin /gg* i noticed it long ago but i not sure wat is that only...then kigami dam direct....wakakakaka~ cannot tell ohh later ryu kill me =P
it was kinda late jor i got dinner later so we went back lor...dono how come when frankie fetch me that time i keep thinking of those things =.= its like...i look out the car n i realize everything's the same...whenever i passed by anything then i will remember the things he said...zzzzzz heck la....later got dinner...i dowan!!!!!!!!!! i will be dam dam dam lonely again where my cousins wont choi me n i have to go to the toilet after every course n hide there to talk on the phoneee!
Hang gai gai~
Yawnzzz.....cant believe i woke up so early today...slept for 4 hours nia ><" *yawnnzz* later going to midvalley XD wahh~ cant believe my mom allow =P somemore next week spm sia...anywayz i oso gotta buy some things...then watch movie ^^ sighzz~ its been a week since *u know wat*...yesterday i just chat with my fren...they were all asking about that person...n i must tell lor ><" then she was like...ohh...i understand @@" - just when u thought u let put it all down...during the silence of the night...u will suddenly think about it n start to cry....sighhz~ that is sooo right...heck care la...today i go out have fun XD hope can meet saki n kigami later...keke~ chaozz
Friday, October 28, 2005
Last Day of School~
dear bloggie...today is my last day of school...after skipping for 1 week ++ i finally went on the final day~ well...as u know...i nvr sleep last nite again...pei frankie n kigami siao lor =.= both of them so siaoo~ play till 6am then prepare go school @@"
when i reach school its like =.= my dad was like asking...u sure got ppl? i was like yeah...i guess? all the classes r dark...the office oso ><" no lights at all @@" then there was this dumb moral talk for 30 mins...wasnt paying attention anyway...but lotsa form 5 showed up man...i think all wanna arrange tables...so i got my report card...when i open then i see see... i was like ohh~ okay...then i wanna c my attendance....50 days nvr come! for half a year only lor =P 1 year i think i skip 70 days ><" paisehh! then i saw...i got 2nd in classs!!!! WEEEEE~~!!! XD i was like....omg!!! is there something wrong with my eyes?? @@" cuz during mid year i got 10...n those who got 1-5 r all dam smart n dam hardworking de...i was like...i will never get to top them...but now i got 2nd???? unbelievable man....i nvr even studied hard ><" goshh~ so happiieee!!! ^^
n then there was this spm talk...they kept reminding us =.= zzz sienzz...then something caught my attention *evil grin /gg* our discipline teacher was saying about the discipline when we get our results nx year...she was like..dont wear those exposing clothes...n dont show ur love bites!! lolxxx~ we were all laughing...n then she said...if u wanna do 'it' *u know wat la /gg 18sx* dont do it few days b4 u get ur results...we dont wanna c XD kakaka~ geng sia....but then we dont get to go for recess ><" have to arrange till 12 only can @@" i sitting in the hall!! which contain over 120++ studentss! goshh...n i m sitting right at the middle...3rd table from the front....sobzzzz T.T waaaa n bside me << was the smartest gurl in form 5...owiz top student!! wahsehh~ i c her bside me dam pressure lerr!! noooo~ T.T n oh yeah...i got my New South Wales english n maths results...Credit only T.T sighzz..at least its good enough...only few get credit...i was wondering how come i can get distinction last year @@" wellz...good enough i guess...cuz its really tough...
ahh then after school we went to the mamak stall bside our school....i was sooo hungry i had gastric ><" i wanna order double somemore ler!! ><" then when the rojak we shared came...i ate abit n drank abit...i somemore ordered nasi goreng ayam! when the food came...i was like /omg...shitzz i dont have the appetite to eat!! when i eat the 1st bite i already wanna vomit out...i dono wat's wrong with me! my stomach jus reject all the food..it was so hot n spicy n such a big portion...i only ate quarter of it...others i gave my fren ><" every bite i take is a misery! its like i force to swallow it n it keeps coming back up n making me puke ><" waaaaa~ wat the hell is wrong with mee....when i reached home i felt like @@" my stomach was turning inside....i was so so sooo uncomfortable even as im writing now ><" seii lorrrr..my body is a messs T.T
wow...too long jor ><" i'll continue nx time oh ~ chaozz bloggiee
favourites XD
1. Favorite colour : light blue
2. Favorite month : december
3. Favorite day : Saturday
4. Favorite zodiac : aquarius
5. Favorite alphabet : X
6. Favorite number : 7
7. Favorite subject : biology
8. Most Favorite planet : uranus
9. Most Favorite season : autumn
10. Favorite possesion : my bolster XD <3<3>
11. Favorite teacher : pn.liza
12. Most Favorite fruit : apple XD
13. Most Favorite TV channel : aXn
14. Most Favorite time : midnight
15. Favorite name : Sherrie
16. Favorite Computer Game : Ragnarok Online~
17. Favorite Tea : hmm...that that gui hua tea from china XD
18. Favorite Country : New Zealand
19. Favorite song: for now its Ye Qu by jay chou
20. Favorite Singer : Wilber Pan Wei Bo....*love love XD*
21. Favorite Language : English
22..Favorite Sport : swimming
23. Favorite Ice cream Flavour : ermm vanilla with chocolate chips
24. Favourite Past time : chatting on msn ><"
25. Favorite pen : carerra BOB *oops dono how to spell*
26. Favorite Font : trebuchet ms
27. Favorite Animal : puppy
28. Favorite Cartoon : rugratss...the babies r soooo cute XD
29. Favorite Movies : LOTR
30. Favorite Male actor: Hawick Lau
31. Favorite Female: err...this is tough...dont seem to have any...Yang Cheng Lin
32. Favorite Books anything bout: thril
33. Favorite brand [shoes] : ahh...summerset? i dono wat's that shop called ><"
34. Favorite brand [watch] : Swatch
35. Favorite brand [perfume] : Ralph Lauren Cool
36. Favorite Album : no.89757 by JJ Lin
37. Favorite Radio station : i dono...seldom hear...n i keep switching..guess its MY fm bah~
38. Favorite Bar/Cafe : Starbucks
39. Favorite SERIES : Royal Prince's 1st love XD *although i dont like the ending but...so sweet n romantic n touching XD*
40. Favorite hobby : ahh...hobby ><" playing piano i guess...
41. Favorite house : those bali type houses with wood n ponds...sooo pretty XD
42. Favorite phrase : ur head la ><" *although i dont wanna admit it*
43. Favorite Car : Mitsubishi eclipse XD
44. Favorite Nickname: SpiritEternity
45. Favorite handphone brand : Nokia
46. Favorite Flower : Rose ^^
47. Favorite Food : Deep fried sotong XD *dripss saliva*
48. Favorite Drink : ermm...apple smoothie...
49. Favorite Crush : =X dont have i guess...got oso dowan tell...shhh~
50. Favourite Friend : MeiChi XD
Thursday, October 27, 2005
survey
still dam sienz while waiting for my breakfast...so here goes another 1 =P
FACT 1:
- Name: Christine
- Birth date: who cares anyway? 123
- Birthplace: klang
- Current Location: me house in front of me comp...
- What are you doing now: this survey lor =.=
-------------------------------------------
FACT 2: Your?
- Most overused phrase(s): as much as i'd like to deny it...its Ur head la! =P ask any of my frens
- Thoughts first waking up: wat time is it...
- Best physical feature: erh? dono...dont seem to have any...
- Usual bedtime: goshhh...6-7am nowadays man ><"
- Most missed memory: ermm ><" all those sweet times lor...
-------------------------------------------
FACT 3: Preferences..?
- Pepsi or Coke: pepsi
- Mc Donald or Burger King: mcD
- Single or group dates: single i think...more privacy =P
- Lipton Iced Tea or Nestle tea: nestle?
- Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate...my fav XD
- Cappuccino or Latte: latte i think ><"
-------------------------------------------
FACT 4: Do you;?
- Smoke: nop...n never will
- Sing: erm...when i have the mood i will sing my hearts out...but it doesnt sound nice ><"
- Take a shower every day? : of cuz =.=
- Have a crush(es) : i dont know...still cant seem to get over the last 1...
- Do you think you're really in love: yeah i guess...but i need to forget it...too bad for me its hard to fall in n harder to fall out ><"
- Want to get married: yeah...in the futuree
- Believe in yourself: yeah i definately trust my instinct ^^
- Get motion sickness: yeap ><" when its long journey or zeroG i guess? is this wat the question's asking?
- Think you're attractive: i dono...depends on different individuals...but im not really fond of myself
- Think you're a health freak: nahh..i havent slept n eaten in days...wat do u think?
- Get along with your parents : nop...they never tried to get along with me...
- Like thunderstorms: im terribly afraid of it ><" i will scream @@"
- Play an instrument: piano...good to express my feelings XD i wanna learn violin though
-------------------------------------------
FACT 5: In the past month, you?
- Drank alcohol: nix..although i really hope i can get my hands on some
- Gone for a date: ermm i guess? sighh..the last 1
- Gone to the mall: yea...bad bad memory too ><"
- Eaten sushi: yeah...i dont really like it
- Been on stage: hmm...during my graduation to receive my cert? i forgot when was it...
- Gone skating: long time nvr skate le...i miss skating!
-------------------------------------------
FACT 6:
- Age you hope to be married: ermm...depends lor? 28?
- Numbers of Childrens: i dont like odd numbers ><" 4 is too many...2 i guess?
- names: lolxx..ask me that ques again 10 years later
- Describe your Dream Wedding: ermm...a garden wedding XD like those we see in the movies with flowers n altars...a beach one's not bad XD
- How do you want to die: without suffering ><" n without anybody else suffering
- What do you want to be when you grow up: ermm genetic engineer XD or a crime scene investigator...but that's impossible in m'sia ><"
----------------------------------------------------------
FACT 8: In a girl/boy you would want?
- Best hair color: ermm abit brown would be nice
- Short or long hair: depends how it looks on him...
------------------------------------------------
FACT 9: List the number of:
- People u trust in your life: less than 5?
- cd u own: too many...50?
- Piercings: 4 XD
- Tattoos: zilchhh...
- Scars on my body: goshh...during childhood i always fall down during cny *its a jinxx~!*...n i have those obvious ones on my elbow n my knees ><" too many le...
- Things I wanna forget in the past: lots...
-------------------------------------------------
FACT 10: What..?
- Music are you listening to now?: ye qu...by jay chou
- What time is it now?: 734am
- What r the THINGS you treasure the most?: my bolster!! the only thing that's been there for me through thick n thin for such a long time
- What is ur fav subjects? : biology n english i think XD
sleepless~
zzz...my fren asked me to do it n i m darn bored now so~
1.Will u still love the person who once hurt u?
> ermm...depends? i will still love the person...until such time that i forget...
2. Will u go out on a DATE with a person u know who is already committed with someone?
> nopee...i wont be a backstabber no matter how much i like that guy
3. Would u steal the person u love most from ur friend?
> nada...as above...i wont backstab...if i love him i will bless them although it is hard ^^
4. Will u give ur last ex a second chance?
> ermmm...if i still love him n he proves to me that he is sincere i guess? but that's kinda hard isn't it?
5. What was the best thing u've done for the person u love?
> sacrifice time n risk lots of things just for them? not good enough i guess ><" cuz usually nobody will realize~
6. If u get stuck on an elevator with your ex?
> ahh...depends? if no more feelings just chat as frens? if not ><" bad bad situation
7. Will u give ur partner a big kiss in front of many people?
> lolxx i m very very shyy...n i dont show PDA so i guess not? unless special bah XD
8. If ur ex fooled u once,will u give another set of trust on her?
> nahh...dont think so...it's not worth
9. What will u do if u caught ur partner with someone else inside your room or bed?
> sux...i sure hope not...but if it really happens i will ask them to get the hell out n cease any contact with them again...
10. If you will be given a choice. Will u drink a bottle of wine one-on-one with ur partner or with ur crush only the two of u inside the room?
> ahh? if i got partner then partner lor ><" if not then crush lor? i dont get this question @@"
11. If you can only save one person on a crashing plane, and u dont know anybody there, who would it be?
> myself? lolzz...i think i'll go for a child...
12. You are with your partner on a party. Your ex asked you to dance with her/him even for a couple of minutes. Will you u dance with her/him knowing ur partner is right there beside u?
> i think i'll ask my partner if he minds 1st...
13. Will u still give a present to ur ex on her/his very special occasion?
> ahh...depends? if he doenst avoid me or we're still friends then i guess...
14. If u hear the word soulmate who comes into ur mind first?
> hmm? cant think of any ><"
15. Now, who u are thinking about? Ur partner, ur ex or ur crush?
> well...no partner...no crush n i dont wanna think of my ex
16. Who do you love most, ur ex, crush, or your present and why?
> lolx...my whole life i only love 2 person...1 was super long ago...n it took me few years to forget...n 1 was ermm...those of u will know who since i blabbed much about it in my previous posts
????
today...i got a cute sms from a friend...a long lost friend...i think i nvr contact with him for 2 years edi bah?
so i sms back...r u xxx? he was like nope...i found ur number in my hp n i wanna check whether u exist anot?
i was like??!!! @$%@#$% then who r u...then he told me his surname...then i tot it's him lor...
so i ask...u remember me? he was like...yeahh~ u r christine tan rite?
i was like harhh??!! no wor...then he said oh yea...u r christine lee =.=
n he was fooling around with me for like few hours??
swtz sia...he was my tkd fren n my neighbour n my ex korkor...lolzz
since he moved to penang we seldom chat le...
n now i really cant figure out wat is happening??!!! helpp?
sighh...n i nvr study for 1 week jor...bcuz of that dam idiotic *u know wat*...
almost 1 week le i still cannot forget!!!! WAAAAAA DAMMIT la...
how come he chose this time...jus b4 my spm...dam smart...
made me sleepless for soooo many nights....n no mood to study
whenever i wanna study i sure think back those times n start to cry....zzzzzzz
i dont know how i fell for him that time...he was such a flirty guy with alot of diff gurls n i knew that long ago...that's y i didnt chat with him much...until when i was sad for a period n he was always there for me that it started...
that's all he bahh~ chaozz bloggie
i always asked him n he would say that was long ago n he had changed n that he only had me...but lots of ppl tell me he's that kinda guy who is hua xin n keeps chatting with lots of gal...n yeah i think probably that's the reason that i m alone rite now...how can i be so stupid...how come i can still miss him??!!!! i hate myself!~
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Miracle
omfg....i know i shouldnt use rude words but i m dam freakin' happy~ XD
weeee~!!! I PASSED my piano exam~!!!!!!!!
how can i?! this is bullshit man...this is freakin impossible...
my performance was worse than last year....and last year i failed! by 4 markssss....
this year my scales sux...not 1 i can play smoothly...
my pieces all got breakdown...my sight reading missed alot of key signatures
my aural! sux the most...all i simply answer de...
n she was a FEMALE examiner! when i went in the room she was smiling to me...n when i left...she was frowning...i thought for sure i m gonna fail
but howw in the hell did she gimme pass???!!!!!
i was like thinking...if i pass...m'sia's gona snowww~
but but but but.....i passed!!!!!! miracle man....such a miracle~
weee~!!thx sooo much for not failing me XD
well at least there's a silver lining in the cloud =)
为明天
zzz...this sux...sometimes when u thought u r at least better by abit...during lonely times u will start to think about it again...i guess u cant really forget...n today when i login ro i saw my h priest de inventory i saw something missing i.... >.<><" i wanna write out those sad sad feelings but then it suxxx! i read my blog oso i hate myself...hate hate hate myself that way...i dont wanna c myself so sad n n down all the time....so suckyy....always sad sad...dammit...that thingy made me no mood to study...shouldnt have log in ro...i wasted like 5 days! on the dumb thing...but then miroku tell me cannot put pressure on myself...cannot force myself to forget...sighh~!grrr...where is a can of beer when i need 1? /gg =P
为何当年有人关心我~W~爱我的时候~E~我却不把心房打开让他进来? ~I~封闭了那么多年的心房~M~终于被一个人不知不觉的进入了~I~可是他却在里面把我的心割伤了~N~让我从此都不想让人再进来了~G~baobao说得对~T~也许感情不应该投入100%~I~否则会受伤~A~投入越多~N~伤得就越深
oh yea...this song by guang liang...there's a few quotes from the lyrics...hope i can learn from it?
wats with me nowadays ah =.= keep hearing songss....@@" faint ahh
别忘了还有明天...
痛虽然有深有浅...泪擦干那就会好一点
Monday, October 24, 2005
Memories
well i think i've mourned enough for now...lets keep that thing buried in a deep corner of my heart XD yesterday i saw this song - Memories by Backstreet Boys....n i thought of the lyrics...it made me truly smile for the 1st time =) a smile from the bottom of my heart
Does it really matter if you got it right?
Does it really matter who was wrong or right?
Looking at my life today and I'm alright
Yes I'm okay
Now I see the world in a better way
And I know, yes I know that I can make it through
Life's like this ain't it? today i saw my long lost korkor online n msged me...his nick was ' love is all about letting go n blessing...how can i miss it XD i always thought that if u really love someone...u must learn to let go n bless him/her~
well...i still have a long long way to go...its so funny...last time when my frens r having love probs...they always come to me...n i always tell them that once it's over...just let it go...its jus an experience to make u stronger...if u never fall down u wouldnt know the pain n stand up stronger than before ^^ just treat it as a chapter in ur life that really made u happy...n keep that in the far corner of ur heart to think back sometimes...n probably that's a good thing so u will one day meet the right 1...lolx i used lots n lots of crap...but it made them feel better...how come i never thought of it myself sooner? keke~ guess its different when its with myself...
for now spmm~!!!! oh yeah...special thx to those who comfort me during this period...if it werent for u guys i would still be in the mourning period...haha~!! ahh thx to saki...who's always been there for me n lent me her shoulder to cry on *paisehh~* to my korkor kigami who ermmz...comfort me too...n to my korkor derick who is also having the same prob as me *LOLz* both of us same same de...lucky he advise me XD....somemore ermm kokwei, uncle top =P, baobao!, miroku too XD...somemore to frankie! who pei me talk till morning when everybody dam dai me go sleep for 2 days @@" lolxx...thxthx...*muaxxx*
Sunday, October 23, 2005
我真的不能放下
我今天又看见了他
走在人群中的我...
就这样在奇妙的缘分下遇见了他
就在他跟我说了再见...我转身的那一刹那
我的泪忍不住流了下来...
现在躺在床上的我...
想起了那些美好的回忆...
我的泪也像河水一样流个不停
我很讨厌这样子的我
我很想在振作起来...
但我就是不能
Saturday, October 22, 2005
现在是9点25分...太阳升起也有2个小时多了
躺在床上在还没看到阳光的我
闭着双眼想着想着...
终于看到一丝丝的阳光了
但我的泪还是忍不住流了下来
不管我怎样控制都阻止不了那热热的眼泪
但我答应了自己一定要放开
我感受到阳光在微笑着
为何我却不能?
我很努力的试着...
表面上的微笑...心里却在流泪
或许只有时间能帮忙...
下雨了...好大好大的一场雨
冷风吹着...感觉好凄凉
我好想好好的睡一觉...
可是这场雨却让我又开始回想起以前
我的心很酸很酸...
他的每一个字都深深的把我的心割伤
我现在明白心在流血的感觉了
还有2个小时太阳就会从东方伸起
时间过得好慢...
在这寂寞的夜里...只有我一个人
慢慢的等着时间过去...
那场雨几乎下完了...
我也应该像那场雨一样
把我的心收起来
在太阳伸起的那一刹那
让阳光照出一道美丽的彩虹
走出黑夜那心酸的阴影
我答应自己一定要在今天的第一道阳光之前
把我珍贵的眼泪收起来
把所有一切都忘了
从此以后那只是回忆
我们的爱
歌曲：我们的爱
歌手：FIR
回忆里想起模糊的小时候
云朵漂浮在蓝蓝的天空
那时候的你说要和我手牵手
一起走到时间的尽头
从此以后我都不敢抬头看
彷佛我的天空失去了颜色
从那一天起我忘记了呼吸
眼泪啊永远不再
不再哭泣
我们的爱
过了就不再回来
直到现在我还默默的等待
我们的爱
我明白
以变成你的负担
只是永远我都放不开
最后的温暖
你给的温暖
不要再问你是否爱我
现在我想要自由天空
远离开这被捆绑的世界
不再寂寞
虽然早已预料到会有那么一天
但没想到会是那么快
我不能再欺骗自己了
迟早都要接受事实
悲哀辛酸
眼眶流不出泪
但苦涩的感觉充满心房
揪痛着...
Friday, October 21, 2005
study II
hi bloggie~ i cannot believe i m so hardworking @@" miracleee!
when i have the mood to study...i seldom last for more than 2 hours...
not even during exams man...i usually conk-out after 2-3 hours...
goshh~ i dono wat got into me...
i nearly gave up n wanna go to sleep after blogging the previous post...
but i think the thought that my bro is hardworking n im not gave me the spirit to continue study XD
now i jus wanna continue studying...yeahh~!!
maybe im not sleepy after a cup of nescafe ^^ it works...weee~!!
eeks...i m sot jor...waaa~ stupid bab 7 of bio is soo long~ sheesh...super long man...taking me so long to study...sobzz T.T
i think i had enough rest jor...i'd better get back... ^^
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
wahh~ nearly 9am le ><" cannot believe i study continously for 7 hours @@"
miracle sia~ but then how come i only get to finish 2 babs! waaa~ sobzz
hungryyy....i wanna eattt 'oh peng' XD maybe after that i'll continue study 1 more bab
then i m off to dreamland...keke~
sighh...if only i m this hardworking for the past few months...
now abit too late le...SOBZZ T.T
studyy~
hi bloggie...i felt like blogging down...but i dono wat to blog ><"
life sux~ spm is like...lemme count! ahh~ 20 days!! 20!! can u imagine?
n i havent even started on some of the subjects yet...i m sooooooo dead!
i wonder how m i gona get scholarship for college T.T
nowadays...i cant sleep b4 6am...no matter how tired or sleepy i m...or how long i lie on the bed...i will only get to sleep at 6am...zzzz~ dumbo...i think i've develop this sleeping time!!
arghh~how worr~ but the thing is i only get to study during midnite...
when it is so quiet XD n so peaceful ^^ with no interuptions at all =D can concentrate ^^
i realize i m more n more alike with my elder bro...
last time when i was a kid i used to wonder how come he sleeps like pig during daytime n study during nitetime! 3 or 4 am i wake up i see him studying...when i wake up in the morning i still see him studying...then he sleeps till sun sets =.=
n he is very very stubborn...not ngam with my dad...same as me =P both of us yat dam dam~
yea...im very very much alike with him...but the thing is...he is hardworking!! i m soooo NOT!!
waa~ really admire him...so smart + hardworking...no wonder he is soo successful today...
n his monthly job salary is like @@" my parents de half year salary lerr...n he is only 30 =.=
sighh...how come i m not as smart n hardworking as he is...he can really study! but i cant T.T
waaaaa~ sobzz....but im too late le ><" cannot turn back time~
i m soooo lazy....sigh~ how how how how m i gona finish studying!!
HELPPPP~!!! cannot cannot~ today i must finish studying 2 more babs for bio
i must! grrrr~ wish me luck oh XD
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Nausea~
goshh...today was such a horrible day...well i hadnt had a wink of sleep last nite...as a result of that~ ermm wat i mentioned in the previous post...i tried to get some valuable shut eye...but my mind's jus restless...my eyes were opened so wide n i was staring into space...
well then i was off to school...which was a good thing cuz i miss my frens XD i think i skipped school for like 4 days =P this si meichi...when i go to school she's absent...n when i skipped she went...so we r always ffking each other =.= anywayz...i got back all my exam papers...n im still eager to know my full results...my bio teacher's always absent! orh the canteen food was urghh~ i ate nasi lemak n i bought a..a...i dont know wats it called...that thingy n i straight away threw it away...it suxx...i thought i was still hungry when we went to koperasi n buy things but my intestines were like turning upside down inside my body @@" i had a terrible terrible time...i kept wanted to throw up but i just cantt~ n then the last few periods sux..i wanted to sleep but cant...n my stomach was still bubbling...n this siew ying! she brought a book that teaches us how to write...n there's 1 part - how to write sex @@" lolx...i was reading out to her n everybody was like paying attention =P
ahh then school's out n i was still feeling nausea...n after i ate my lunch...i wanted to throw up after that...i was like gagging n i can feel the food travelling up to my mouth...but i felt sooo uncomfortable cuz i was so full! n i didnt wanna throw up cuz the feeling's horrible...so i tahan! *yan~* sobz...sux though...now i dont feel like eating anymore...n i dont have mood to study!!! waaa~ sienzz...im skipping school again tmr...but it was planned XD my whole gang not going...so wat the heck~ XD
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
nobody
bloggie...i found out something...there is something much more painful than crying...that is that is u wanna cry but u cant cry out...that's wat im feeling right now...1st time ever i feel like crying out loud but my tears just wont flow out...n when it does it hurts so much...
nowadays when i met someone i m always happy...i really am cuz after facing my family n my problems i knew i had him...n even though i scolded him n i was hurt...the truth is i really cant lose him...all that i've done is jus because i dont wanna lose someone that is so important to me...but the worst day has come...i was hoping it was jus a dream...that he would tell me he was jus joking...that i would wake up n everything will be fine...but things cant change...n it definately cant
i never loved anybody b4...ppl always ask me how come u reject so many guys....cuz i dont like any of them...but how come i cannot get the one i wanted? life is so cruel...i never told anyone that i had cancer....i was always afraid to go to the doctors cuz of that...i dont wanna face the reality...i dont wanna lose wat i m having now...but then i had to face it sooner or later...now i really wished that cancer thingy is real...cuz i have nothing le...so i can leave this world in peace...i know i cant kill myself...i promise myself le not to take my life away...but i hope...i hope god will...
i promise myself i have to be strong...i m gona quit ro ^^ n i m gona quit msn too...to my frens...thx for giving me such a great time there...from now on i dont wanna contact with anyone le...perhaps i should stay in my little world jus as before...maybe its fated that i m gona be alone...i was always alone...with few frens...n only me to accompany myself...perhaps i dream too much...u know its true...the higher u climb the harder u fall...maybe that's wat i should get...if u all said im gona quit becoz of 1 stupid thing....well it isnt
for a long long time ro is no more fun...i've got no frens to play with...n i only login to play when there's war...it was fun though...those ethos outing where we played woe together...although we havent got any castle by the end of the war but it was very fun ^^ but now i dont know if i can face it anymore...i got no more reason to play le...really got no more reason to play...im very happy to have met some frens but then maybe it was a mistake...maybe i shouldnt start playing ro...it was the cause of all this...n to end it i really have to quit ro...to my earliest batch of frens - baobao, miroku, hero, frost, jon n many more...thx for helping me to lvl up n intro me to bots ^^ ermm to my amitie frens - cele, ryu, flash, prince, stahn, jun, rod n many more thx for teaching me how to earn money n play...to my ethos frens...kigami, hou, kira, top, xane, datenshi n alot more...thx for teaching me how to play gvg ^^ really had fun...but i have to return to reality...i really should...i've been dreaming for so long...i ought to wake up...i ought to realize that i m fated to be alone forever...yeah~ its fate...
i dont wanna push my luck anymore le...there's no use in staying here...really no use...since nothing's gona change...n u cant turn back time...n cant change back the things that they were...i still have to continue...at 1st i thought i dont wanna go outstation to study cuz i cannot leave my frens n him behind....but now i really wanna go to some place where there's nobody...that's where i fit...that's where im suppose to be...im supposed to be a nobody~
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Sick ><"
bloggie...long time no c...nothing much to write nowadays...holidayz sienn...must stay at home study...but the thing is i m in no mood to study *sobzz T.T* i m soo gona die for my SPM...1 month!!! geezz~
anywayz...i m sick!! goshh...last few days seeing my dear dear n my bro sick i was like...pity them ><" n i havent been sick for a while now...i thought i was lucky...until now!! for a week i have like 10 ulcers in my mouth...is 10!! n there's combo too...lemme c...i bite my cheeks n there's 2 from the bites...n in between it there's 1 more...n another 1 growing on top of the old 1...orhh n further up there's 1 more!! not to mention those on my upper n lower gum...as well as my tongue! *swttt la* so many ulcers...wat is wrong with me...yesterday i was so pissed off i put salt on it...yeahh~ directly...it was sooooo painful i screamed n my tears dropped ><" so so so pain...u can absolutely feel the pain on that spot...n my whole mouth gone numbb...maybe it was a mistake putting that much salt
cuz the nx day...which is today! i woke up at 9am with my nose blocked...n my ermm lelangit *dono wassit called in english ><"* is sooo dry n painful...i have to get up n get tissue paper n water...somemore i cant sleep after that...when i get to sleep...i woke up around 5pm =.= sux....n i've got fever n headache n coughs on top of that flu!! sheesshh~ what a day...i really hate being sick...really makes me no mood to do everything...i jus wanna sleep...but i cant sleep with my nose blocked!! its sooo suffering to breathe through ur mouth n mucus keeps forming in ur nose/throat =.= *pifffzz*
lets just hope i recover by saturday...cuz i cant wait *evil grin /gg* wakakaka~ ahahahha...cant stop laughing...the long awaited day...someone's gona meet her dear */gg* ahahahaha~ both of them r sooo shy...super shy ppls...its like shy personified! they r always quiet when they meet ppl...lets c wat happens when they meet their match...wakakaka~ i still bet that they wont hold hands...well gotta sacrifice myself abit...although i wanna c them hold...i still have to bet that they wont...to give them motivation...so that they know if they dont hold they r gonna lose their faces...kekezz~
hmm i think i go rest...no more nice shows on tv *sobzz T.T* chaozz bloggie~