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hey...it's 1am n i'm not in bed yet!
that's bad...i'm supposed to be in bed...
but me being me...i cant seem to sleep if there's a major event the next day...
such as...competition...events...activities...etc etc =.=
dont know why lor...once there's a major thing coming up the next day i wont be able to sleep de...sigh~
gosh...today is such a long long day...
i didnt even get to breathe properly since i woke up this morning...
since tmr's the SAM charity drive we gotta prepare for it...
n we're sooo far behind
let's see...i woke up n i gotta rush to the hardware store to get wires! n i missed my ESL class cuz of that...
n after that i gotta bring the 1kg heavy wires to college...well...i cant possibly make 200 fish nets in a day...it would be impossible...so i had to bring so we all can do together...
really thankful my classmates are helpful...
we bent those wires during classes =P our hands r all soo rough n our skins peeled off edi
sigh~ the agony we had to go through for the charity thingy
clip on tissue paper...
after that...my god...after class we walked all the way to ss14 to an aquarium~
soo far! had to cross the pedestrian bridge somemore...
walked soo far in the end never buy any fishes...
n i had to walk round n round for 1 hour ++ to find other aquarium =.=
at last we got to buy fishes! wee ^^ but so pity the fishie T.T
i kept asking the boss 'u sure they wont die by tmr in that plastic bag? T.T' n i kept saying pity the fishes until he laughed at me =.=
waaa T.T so sadd!! *animal abusee!!!* cant believe i'm doing this
well the fishies r with wei chern now...hope they dont die tmr kay? T.T sobzz~
after that i was stuck at the train station =.=
on the way to subang ktm it almost rained ><" n when i reached there...
i waited for 1 hour for the train! darn ktm...
kept delaying cuz of 'technical difficulties' zzzz~ made me waited so long!
n i still had to get more fishies n other things!!!!
after hunting for fishies around klang...i get to rest at last at around 11pm =.=
long long long day...ohh~ it's not over yet...
i gotta pack all those stuffs...repair the baby pool =.= *hope it doesnt leak tmr* ><"
n i'm now halfway doing the signboard for the stall!!
arghh~!
i dont think i even sat down relaxing for 5 mins sia~ */pif*
hope everything goes well tmr ^^
as tmr will be another long n tiring day...
i guess i wont have much rest this weekend...
n oh...those of u who r free tmr...feel free to drop by at Taylor's College Subang Jaya for the SAM charity drive kay? from 10am i think? =P
it's for charity...so be generous!!
come Scoop A Fish at my stall XD
n if u got any extra fishies leave 1 for me XD
Thursday, March 30, 2006
eeshh...these few days i m sick ><"
started from yesterday i guess..when i woke up my nose was blocked n my throat soo dry...
like the feeling u get when u drown ><"
actually i thought it was just normal flu so i went to college anyway
but i was suffering by the 1st 2 periods T.T
wanted to go home but then...sigh~ nobody to fetch so nvm lar
n the thing that make me soo frust is 1 person *grrrr*
i started coughing n sneezing when i was walking from the train staion to college in the morning
n he was laughing all the way...
n class once i sneeze or cough he will laugh n make fun of me
at 1st i thought he was just joking...n he kept doing that i was like
'wat the...i sick u think is very funny arh?' *well of cuz i didnt say that* i just stared at him =.=
he thought i was just playing =.= zzz~
i wanted to go to college today...cuz we get to watch armageddon during ESL period...
but then i cant get out of bed ><" even though i was very wide awake by the time my alarm rang i just couldnt drag myself up
n i had the strangest dream!
i dreamt that i had bird flu...haha XD
oh yeah...this friday is the SAM charity drive...
where all the classes organize or sell stuffs to earn money for charity
i tell u...i m soooo dead! gosh...i dont even wanna mention bout it
i dont know how r we gonna do everything in time!
my friend wasnt helping today...all he got to say was
'harh??!! u havent do that arh? we took weeks to do that...wat??!! u havent got that? how r u gona do it? omgg!! u havent prepared that? i think u better cancel this thing...'
*faint~*
i had to run around to get those stuffs despite my sick sick body...
n ppl were staring at me as if i'm a highly contagious person when i kept coughing in Tesco ><
oh dear....gosh~ how??!! T.T
how m i gona finish it in time?
n that's not my only concern...what about the other activity?!! that's much worse
i think they havent even prepared anything...
*faint*
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
i really dont get why some ppl just dont get it...
if u guys dont like...nobody's asking u to read this~
this is like my diary where i write out my feelings...
same as what some other bloggers do...
n in time i will read back wat i wrote for remembrance...
not for showing off or wanting sympathy...
n oh...is it my fault for letting out my feelings?
is it my fault for posting daily thoughts out?
then who m i suppose to go to?
humans need someone to talk to when they r down...
it's just that i feel like i can let out ezier here...
so for u guys when u r sad u just keep it in ur heart n let it explode in time yea?
take care of ur health oh...it's not good keeping things inside ^^
if u guys feel that way fine~
but mind u...i will continue posting how i feel here regardless of what u all think~
i dont give a damn
Monday, March 27, 2006
2nd...there's this bio project which we r supposed to do tmr during our free period of bio since teacher's on MC..so then there's this someone who didnt want to come n contribute in cuz she wants to sleep more... n we are supposed to finish all of it without her...wat the...i was really holding my anger then...it was a wonder why i didnt burst out...how can she expect to present if she dont know anything? she dont even know what to do for that project.. 3rd...i got really really low marks for physics...well...if i were to type this 1 hour ago i wouldn't be as mad...on the contrary...i would be pretty glad...cuz i did not fail...i m really glad i didnt fail...yet it's not good enough! n then...i think i spoiled my new mp3 player...dammit...i thought it ran out of battery...now i know it's REALLY SPOILED!!! f*** what else? oh...i have 2 lab reports due tomoro!!!! n my physics sources and my chemistry plan outline is also due soon... what the hell...
sigh~ bloggie ar bloggie...
for the 1st time in my life i never finish my favourite mcflurry ><"
for years mcflurry's the only thing that can cheer me up after a stressful / bad day...
n after stressful classes or sometimes i'm just sad i'll go get a mcflurry...
n upon finishing it...i will be at least a bit cheerful back again...
but u know what? today i just had about 5 scoops of mcflurry n i feel like throwing up edi...
the more i eat the more depressed i m
sigh...i thought i've forgetten someone...
cuz these few days i think less of that person n i dont feel sad when i see traces of him anymore
but how wrong i was...
when i saw him i...aihz~
sometimes it's hard to put on that fake smile on ur face...but in ur heart it's actually bleeding
aihz~ i left my mcflurry there on the table...
n i'm soo moody now~ sigh~
haix....sad sia...
but too bad i cant cry in the library...
aihz...i dont think i wanna elaborate further...
sigh~
Bored...~
very sien arhz~ i wanna go home n sleep~!! T.T
aihz...i feel very burdened today...
carrying sooo exp de things to college...
if i loose it i cannot afford to pay it sia~
somemore must walk around carrying it...so heavy ><"
n then hor...the past weekend i havent been doing my work
today come college sooo blur...cannot understand what the teachers r teaching at all!
help~ i'm soo far behind...
aiks...i think that's enough crap lar...dont have much things to write oso...
- ^^ -
Friday, March 24, 2006
Touching movie
I went to watch I'm Not Stupid Too after class at sunway pyramid today...
gosh...it was one of the best movies i've watched ever!
It was touching n funny XD
n it's the 1st show that made me cry throughout the whole movie ><"
from the 1st touching part my tears kept flowing out non stop till the end ><"
n one of the best part is...after a touching scene there will suddenly be some funny scenes...lolx XD
i was laughing with tears in my eyes ler...halfway crying then laugh XD
Hmm...not gonna talk bout this movie here...
in case i spoil ppl's mood to watch the movie XD
it's really very nice...n it's true...VERY true...
it kinda relects what most of the children are going through...
the youngsters behave like us...they spoke like us....n what they are going through we all understand...
imaybe it left a deep impact on me because i see myself inside...
It's as though somebody understands us youngers at last~
n i was sooo embarassed i cried...but what do u know? i heard so many ppl weeping lolx =P
n when the movie's over...sueling n jerlynn cried too !! lol they dont dare to go out cuz our eyes all red n watery..
n as i walked out...i can see almost all the gurls have red eyes...n some r still using tissue paper to wipe their tears!
so sad!! sooo many touching scenes...made me kept crying so many times ><"
really recommend this show */no1* XD...
must watch kay? ^^
- I Not Stupid Too - XD
Thursday, March 23, 2006
My complete personal profile
oh wow...i went to try this colourgenics test for fun...since i was bored
n it's sooo accurate!! especially the 1st two~ @@"
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=16404
You are longing for a little love and tenderness. At present you are feeling very sensitive and need a sympathetic shoulder to lean on. You don't need any further stresses, strains or arguments so take a deep breath and relax.You are willing to try anything once. You 'need to be needed' and what is perhaps more important you 'need to need.' You can only feel close to a person or persons when you feel you can trust them, but this trust needs to be proven to you.
The situation at this time is one of considerable distress. You feel trapped and you are looking for some way out. You can find solace in the arms of someone who cares so long as there is no long-term emotional involvement.From every direction there appear to be unwarranted restrictions on your freedom of action and this is producing considerable stress. You're really looking for independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoiding any obligations or anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressures and you would like nothing better than to escape from them but you tend to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this. Whichever way you turn you are being frustrated. You need to be free to do your 'thing' in your own way.
You don't like conflict and you endeavour to avoid criticism. You want to do your own thing and to be able to decide what is right for you. You have considerable personable charm - and this is used with considerable effect on those that keep your company.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
i hate guys
i guess those of u who have my msn might wonder...
what's with me hating guys...
well...i dont know...nowadays i think im beginning to hate guys...bit by bit
why u ask me?
i dont know...lots of reasons i guess...
n oh...the following craps im gona type out...it's not directed to anyone kay?
it's just me...it's not about anybody...it's just..what i've gone tru...
n if u feel that it's same as what u gone tru or wat...it's jus pure coincidence okie?
i m not directing this to anyone in particular
1 thing i hate is...i always kena NAG by guys...
ok...maybe not all guys...now that i realize...guys dont nag...just that someone keep nagging at me!really...this is the 1st time i met a guy like this...
here's some example
-i was moody and crying...
he said 'u sad ur problem lar...big girl edi should know how to take care...i cannot do anything to help u'
i was like @@" fine lar...then 'dont nag at me anymore i'm sad enough edi'
'then dont be sad anymore lar...u must know how to balance ur emotion...u cannot cry'
'wat the....'
'u cannot like this anymore...i cannot help u edi...must solve urself'
*is this the way to comfort someone?*
-i was sick...
he said 'see lar...dont know how to take care of urself...i thought u big girl edi?'
me '.......'
him 'u sick ur pasal what...who ask u...make urself sick somemore...this 1 i cannot help u edi...u ownself dont want to take care'
me '.....'
*zzzz*
n the thing is he's not joking...the way he said was like serious n caring...but NAGGING!
at least this is not as bad...
as days passed i was really getting more n more frustrated...
we will start to argue everytime we chat de...
cuz he always NAGS AT ME!
n at last i couldnt take it anymore i confronted him asking him why he keeps on nagging at me...
he called me up n the 1st sentence he said was
'EHH U ARE BEING VERY UNREASONABLE LER!' *bold as in shouting*
me '.....where got?'
'u are the one who keeps on say i'm nagging at u...where got?' he sounds more n more restless
me 'swt...' n after some more nagging which i dint even bother to remember i said sorry just for the sake of preventing him from nagging at me...i dont know why i must say sorry =.=
'kk my fault sorry...just dont say anymore'
'WEI....WHAT U MEAN BY THAT...U GETTING MORE N MORE UNREASONABLE'
'wat the? i said sorry...what's wrong?'
'U LAR...i really dont know what to say about u already...really dont know what's wrong with u'
*.....really speechless*
is it me? but i know all the time he keep saying n i was keeping quiet...from the start i also never tell him anything...cuz i know once i tell he will nag...
i mean...any sound guy would not call a girl up n shout at her right?
n wont continue scolding her after she said sorry *for something she never did*
am i being paranoid?
but then...maybe u might think that he's caring or what
but the way he does it...aiyo~ cant describe lar...
he's acting like he's my GRANDFATHER...
oh well...i cant really describe everything here...n therefore u might feel that i'm just oversensitive...but trust me...it's much worse!
n dont think he is caring to me or what...he's always checking me up n nags at me!
i really cant stand it anymore...
thank god i didnt contact him anymore...really tired~
that's just one of the reasons....continue tmr~
n not that i hate him...it's just that...it's just me ok?
Sunday, March 19, 2006
From my heart
Stop trying to distance yourself
You are always looking the other way
Little by little, I'm becoming like you
So don't let me go
I want to be with you for just a little longer
I want to show you my heart
But I'm afraid that this love that took my heart
Will just fly away
The unfamiliar fluttering of my heart when I first saw you
The sad memories that ached my heart
Turning back, and longing for it again
But the closer I go, the farther it gets
I'll never let you go again
Even if I lose everything
You are all that I need
I'll wait for you with all my heart
Until the day I become
The love you've been looking for
Should I go closer once more?
Will I not be hurt again?
Even if I spend all night worrying about it
Nothing will be any different
It seems this cruel, painful love
Is not something easily acquired
But I'm afraid that this love that opened my eyes
Will just fly away
Such a familiar street
Same time as yesterday
But you were with me
And for that moment alone the world seems brighter
I love you
I lived in loneliness
Then you held my hand
Even if you're returning by the long way
I'll be waiting for you
And slowly preparing my love
That won't be even enough when it filled this whole small world
Until the day you return to me
Until the day I become
The love you've been waiting for
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Emptiness
No word can describe the pain i'm going through right now
I'm learning...still learning how to let go this feeling...
but it seems to me that the more i try to forget...the stronger it grows in my heart...
zzz...crapping again...
don't know why i cant sleep again...
545am...haix
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Research
i m dead tired right now!!
cant believe i m so hardworking =P
today lor...someone asked me to come to college to do work...n i have dance class
normally i would turn down de...but after thinking how lazy m i...i better go...
i've got like 4 major projects n i havent even started !!
dont know what i did at home during the holidays lar...n i'm supposed to hand in my ESL project next tuesday!! *PAINICC~!*
so hor...i woke up early n came today lor =.= so unexpected of me hor? =P
from 10 i've been doing my ESL research till now!! been doing for 5 hours straight minus the lunch @@"
so tired man...n i'm only halfway through...
wahh...really cannot believe i can sit in front of the comp for 5 hours doing my work sia...time passes so fast
i m so tired right now...wanna go back n sleep T.T
n then i skipped dance class...again ><"
lazy lar...somemore i've missed so many classes i scared later i go i cant catch up
but then hor...im lucky i came...
if i'm at home right now...i would just have woke up n lying on the couch watching tv or slacking in front of the comp...
dont know why at home i cant do de lor...too many tempting things...
i think i better go rest a while XD
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
wide awake!
what the hell is wrong with me today?
i know i m very very tired n yet i cant sleep...again...
n there r lots of things bothering me...really making me very pissed
haix...
its 443 am now...no matter how hard i try i just couldnt fall asleep...
really cant...n i thought of so many things
of...lol...different things...
i'm beginning to accept my life like this...
i know i will be alone...n i have to depend on myself...
i know when i'm down nobody will be there for me...
when i cry nobody's gonna wipe my tears...
when im frustrated nobody's gonna cool me down...
that's my fate...i guess...i'll just have to accept it
i feel like singing this song -
只剩下钢琴陪我谈了一天
睡着的大提琴 安静的旧旧的
我想你已表现的非常明白
我懂我也知道 你没有舍不得
你说你也会难过我不相信
牵着你陪着我也只是曾经
希望他是真的比我还要爱你
我才会逼自己离开
你要我说多难堪 我根本不想分开
为什么还要我用微笑来带过
我没有这种天份 包容你也接受他
不用担心的太多 我会一直好好过
你已经远远离开 我也会慢慢走开
为什么我连分开都迁就着你
我真的没有天份 安静的没这么快
我会学着放弃你 是因为我太爱你
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
F***
I put of writing this until today...
cuz if i were to wrote this yesterday...it will be filled with f***s and damns n shits...
u know why?
i m sure if any of u were to be in my shoes...u will be as mad as well...
i took my spm results yesterday as u can very well see...
as parents...my mom n dad r supposed to ask about my results n praise me n congratulate me right? or if i didnt do well they should reprimand me...
n when i got back...u know what? my dad didnt even look at me...he acted as if nothing had happen....that's fine...i m used to it...
my mom? she picked up an argument with me...wat the....
i was in the car alone with her n she kept hinting that I DIDNT DESERVE TO GET THAT A IN CHINESE...damn it...
'if u were in Kwang Hua, u wouldnt even get a B...the competition would be very high there' wat lar...i thought all the marking schemes r the same?
that 1 fine lar...I get A she never encourage me or wat i dont mind...but must insult me until liddat arh?
'u never go tuition never study...i know u never study n never work hard for it...maybe they mixed it up n u shouldnt get A'
n i asked her lor...arent parents suppose to show abit appreciation that i got 10A's?
she was like...what? now let u live not enough izit? u want somemore arh?
wahlau...i really got nothing to say lor...never say anything nevermind...how could she say something like that...
n what pissed me off most is...whenever one of my cousins get their pmr/spm results...even though it's not that good...n not as good as mine
they will give like rm200/300 to them...
WHAT ABOUT ME? HELLO??? I AM UR DAUGHTER!
i didnt mention but for my upsr n pmr results...what did they give me? scoldings...scoldings...n more scoldings...
even my uncles n my sis will say good things to me n treat me lunch or wat...
my own parents? scold me...
they show no indication that they r proud of me when i get straight A's for upsr/pmr...
n when other ppl get 4/5A's they will be...wahhh so smart arh get so good results...
u know what that shows? they prefer other ppl than me...
what did i get? NOTHING...ohh i forgot...there is something
SCOLDING....
what the...at least say good job or wat it's enough for me...
is it so hard?
why must scold me?
n the scolding is not that i didnt do well or wat...it's other things
WHAT DID I DO?????
i really dont feel like living anymore...really no point
Monday, March 13, 2006
SPM results
1st of all...i would really really really wanna thank god...
really really grateful for my results...
although it isnt outstanding...as in it's kinda average...10A's 1B ><"
but it's way way way better than my expectations ^^
really very grateful...n i'm contented with what i got XD
can say i dont deserve it but...oh well~
well...remember the last post about my car? at last the mechanics came n fixed my car...
n i went there...i saw shereen taking...
she was filling up a form...then after her it was me ><"
teacher smiled at me n looked at my results...then ask me to fill up the same form...
i was like ??? what's that...
then i saw that form is for 9A's n above...
i couldnt believe it!!
b4 that i prepared myself to face a results slip full of B's n C's...
i know i did badly...if u guys go to the archive...u can see that b4 spm...i was errr...heartbroken therefore i didnt have the mood to study...
n then...when i got my results i saw...@@" that B!!
that B very odd there ler...i expected it to be beside the chinese...
but then....it's for chemistry ><" *oh well...expected*
n my chinese? A2!!!!!!!! this is so freakin unbelievable man!!
hmm...BM i got A1 @@" this 1 is unexpected...really unexpected~!
English i got A1...my GCE as well XD....lucky ^^"
Maths n History...A1 also... XD maths kinda expected...history...happy ^^"
n that's all for my A1 list ><" got 4 A1's only ><" bad hor...
my Moral A2...oh well...
my physics A2...XD really unexpected...i thought i would get a B maximum...
Bio A2...^^ happy enough...bio paper hard to score though...cuz my frens who didnt get straight A's is cuz of bio...she was asking 'how come ppl get B for bio u get B for chemistry 1...so weird de?' =.=
EST A2...ummm...i think it's kinda hard to get A1 here...really tough...sheesh...dono wat's wrong with them...
add maths A2 also XD contented with it edi lar...i used to get less than 50 for every add maths exam...glad that i can get A for this...
n oh...chinese A2 *weeee~!!* really very very very surprising...this is like @@" chinese is so hard to score...n i can get A2!! my frens who attended POL n chinese tuition were like 'u never go tuition/pol also can get A...how can?!'
i stopped attending the tuition class in form 4 ><" n i dont study chinese...last day only i started @@" kinda expected a C though...
i got an A...out of all the subjects...this is the 1 i m most proud of...really really unexpected!
last 1...chemistry B3...sigh~ actually i'm glad i can get B...i got 40 for all my chemistry exams in school....n i did very badly....
well...even though it's not as outstanding...n i did break the tradition of a string of A's...
i'm really really grateful on what i got...i didnt think i deserve that...cuz i didnt work hard for it ><"
although that B looks ugly ><" let it be a lesson to me ^^ haunt me forever so i can work harder next time XD
really really grateful...
Bad luck
suey...damn suey...
really dont know how m i gona take my results edi...
i was prepared to go n all...
n then i got into the car...
n the car couldnt start!!!!! got some funny sound...
we kept trying n yet it still wouldnt start...
wat the...............
trying to fool me arhhh?!
my dad is at work so we have only that car...
which means...I dont know how to get there!!! @#$%#@$#@!
actually i'm not that mad lar...just feel funny
if now suey edi means my day suey...means my results also suey...
sigh~!
SPM results
oh god...
as u can very well see...i've been avoiding this topic until this very last minute...
yeah...in fact...only until tonight that i'm only starting to worry...
ARGHH~!!!
okay...let me put it this way
i am SO NOT GOING TO GET good results...
despite how u convince me that i did well...
i know i did badly...
n i know i'm gona disappoint all those ppl...
especially those who put such high hopes on me
haiz...i'm really pressured...
i think...only few would understand...
really glad that my didi understands me...
u see...from young...i was considered err...smart...
standard 3 i pass my PTS...which i can say...half luck half hardworking...
cuz that time i really did PTS questions n i like answering IQ questions XD i like to think u see ^^
n cuz of that...my relatives/aunts/uncles/friends start labeling me as a genius =.=
haix...whenever i tell them i m a PTS student my friends will be like 'WAHH!! SO SMART'
=.= it's not that u know? it's different...
when you're young u can be super smart...but when u've grown if u're lazy it's...gone~
it just so happens that i like to play with IQ questions...n i did well...
so skipping a grade doesnt mean anything
n then...came this UPSR in standard 6...this...
i cant say it's pure luck...cuz i did study...i was really hardworking in primary school...
really hardworking...did all my work...study...n put effort in it...
i was really competitive n a perfectionist as well...i MUST get an A then...if i didnt...i would be very very disappointed in myself...
if i didnt get an A it means something's really wrong
plus...UPSR is really easy to score...so it isnt a wonder i got straight A's
n then i ventured into secondary school...during my erm...lower secondary...
i was still hardworking...still competitive...
n although i didnt study as hard...i still put some effort in PMR
i know i studied months before...n often studied till dawn...
i did some past year questions as well...
well...i did expect to get 7A's but not 8...
that A for chinese is pure luck i tell u...
i know i wrote shit for my chinese essay...which i left lots of blanks as i didnt know how to write the word ><"
it's really a wonder why the teacher who marked my paper didnt get pissed off...it was like i was letting her do the job by filling in the blanks of words i didnt know how to write ><"
i was really really thankful i got straight A's there
since then...all my aunts/uncles will be treating me like...
'aiyah...u get straight A's normal lar...u dont get only unusual'
for them i'm such a smart ass...
what they didnt know was...after PMR i got addicted to online game...n msn...
i admit...i really admit i got addicted to RO...n chatting online...
i would spend countless of hours a day in front of the computer
checking my bots...chatting with ppl...from right after school until midnite...
i would chat non stop...
n for me...getting A in exam is not important anymore...
my results deteriorated...rapidly...from getting an A to E...
i really did very very badly in form 4 n 5...
yet...they still put so high hopes on me...why?
cuz i did well before...
u see...humans change...doing well in the past doesnt mean i will do well in everything forever...
during SPM i did not put in much effort...i kept thinking
'aiyah...sure will be ez de lar...nonit study'
n i keep putting off until last minute...
so i know...i really know that i'm not gona get good results...
trust me...
really wanna say sorry to disappoint those who put high hopes on me...
u have to understand that i did not put much effort...
ask any of my secondary friends...they will know that i did badly staring from form 4...
some of them even confronted me...
i still remember the words 'loan ping, what happened to u? i used to admire u for being such a smart student...n now u r getting such no good results...u addicted to online gaming?'
sigh...really didnt know how to answer them...
n how to face my aunts/uncles...i met them the other day n they were like
'aiyah..sure get straight A's edi 1 lar...nonit to say'
i didnt even have chance to tell them i did badly...
haiz...i dont wanna disappoint them i really dont...
but the fact is i'm not gona get good results...
actually i dont care much u know...it's just that...i dont wanna disappoint ppl
sorry...i'm really sorry i let them down...
so pls...dont make this worse...dont tell me i can get good results...
dont put high hopes on me...
i just hope that...when i get my results slip tmr...
i dont see a fail ><" especially in chinese where it is soooo hard to score @@"
those of u taking results tmr as well...good luck ^^"
i trust u will do better than me XD
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Nightmares
u see...
last night's itchyness resulted in countless nightmares!!!
damn lar...i dont know why is it so easy for me to be engaged in a nightmare...
it's like every sad thing every frustrating thing i think about will result in a nightmare as soon as i fall asleep...
haiz...i dreamt at least 3 dreams about him...n lots more on other sad things
after each horrible 1 i woke up abruptly and sweats trickling down my forehead...
kk...it wasnt horrible...but it was breaking my heart...so for me it's horrible!
sad to find out that...that...
aisk...nevermind...
but it was related to the reality...
it was like i was getting a vision...
shit~! it's going to come true isnt it?
remember? i had 2 dreams similar to this n true enough...the next day it came true...
damn ><"
i dont want to go through that in real life
i suffered enough even though it was a dream...
i was glad it was just a dream...had to convince myself that it wasnt real
but it still broke my heart...
i really dont want to face it in real life!! SOB T.T
gosh~ haiz
itchy hand
u know what?
i cant sleep...i'm so sleepy yet i cant sleep
u know why?
my hands are itchy...
why u ask?
i go click on something i shouldnt...
what thing?
things that remind me of him...
uh huh...
dumb rite?
zzz~!~! what lar...
i thought i was over it....
but then?! $%@#%#$%@#%
I really need to get away from the comp larh...
it's evil...it's bad!
argh~ u know what it feels like to hate someone soo much n yet u love him more...
this sucks huh?
bahh~ i'm crapping again...
help? haiz...now hor...nobody to tam me to sleep edi...
i guess i'll have to sing to myself
*twinkle twinkle little star*
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Nobody...
I thought of something...
if u guys insist that there are ppl who cares about me...
think again...
lemme give u a situation okay?
last year...on the last week of december...
i was supposed to go through an operation...kk...i went through an operation
it was scheduled on tuesday...
n the person i wanted to see most...where was he?
oh...watching movie with another gurl ^^"
that's sad sia...sad...dowan to say much
n then it was postponed to thursday i think?
well...my mom accompanied me there to erm register n all...
after that...the nurse prepared me for operation...
before i even went in...my mom left me...
she said 'i go home 1st lar...u ownself stay here'
i was speechless...
the nurse pushed me into the operation room...i was alone
how sad...u see in the movies n dramas...the family or friends will encourage them n be by their side till the operation room...
me? the nurses bside me nia...i was thinking 'gosh ><"' i have to go through this alone...
i was brave...i guess?
n the moment i pass out...it's very wonderful~ ahh~
cuz i was just put to sleep...so easily...*err it was difficult as i didnt wanna inhale that gas* ><"
but it was like i was dead...
just as it started...it ended...i cant remember a thing
when i opened my eyes...i was hoping to see a familiar face...
yet all i saw was the doctor...telling me i'm alright...n then i passed out again...
when i woke up in my ward...
*blink blink*
sob T.T nobody's there...really nobody...
the nurse was like 'where's ur mom?'
i didnt know how to answer...i was alone...
alone~~!!! goddammit...i was alone...
sad ler...i spent the whole time alone...reading books n stuff...
i wanted to get out of bed but the nurse didnt allow me to...
very depressing u know anot?
nobody to see me...
haiz...where's my dad? somewhere in his friend's house playing mahjong...
my mom? at home watching tv...
my bro? at friend's house playing games...
my friends? they didnt even know...even if they did...i doubt they would visit me...
him? hah~! funny i even bothered to ask...didnt even ask if i was okay...
so u see?
i rest my case...
Friday, March 10, 2006
I give up...
I really give up...can't stand it anymore...
Before i continue...if u're going to say the kids in bosnia r worse than me...
u better not continue reading...
i know there r ppl much worse than me...
but i'm also suffering...n i just need a place to let it out...
I really wonder is it my fault that i was borned in this world?
I found out from ppl that my parents actually didnt want me when i was in my mom's womb...
n then when i was borned...i was practically left with nothing...
all they did was provided things that made me continue living
no love...no moral support...no encouragement...
n cuz of that...i studied hard...n i got flying colours for my results...
n that they say? 'study so much got use arh? u r so mean...wat's the use'
they always shout at me as if im a drug addict or a prostitute...describe until i 'mou yok ho gao' edi...
n just yesterday...really damn lar...
LIKE IT IS MY FAULT GETTING SICK...
I can control my stomach ache de lar....
i thought when their kids r sick parents should comfort them n try to make them feel better...
n what's their way? SCOLDING ME LIKE SHIT
n they had to bring up my operation...
like as if i can stop the tumor from growing...
'Hey tumor...u better stop growing n disappear arh...if not i get scolding'
like this izit?
dont want then dont send me for the operation lar damn it...
I'm really sick of this...
i'm skipping classes today cuz i m really not feeling well...
n my eyes r swollen...
yea u guessed it right...i cried all nite till i fall asleep...
this morning when i woke up i cried again...
What upsets me most is not that...it's that...
it's really sad when i m sad n i can talk to nobody...
yesterday i was alone at the college...sitting at the garden...
weeping softly...n i wanna talk to someone but i can talk to no one
n i looked through my phone book...there's no one i can call...
u know how sad it is? no friends...no one to talk to...
few months ago i had someone...
he said he wouldnt leave me...
bullshit...where r those ppl that said they would be there for me?
i dont wanna listen to all those craps anymore...
U know what? I think next year i'm going to russia to study
then i dont wanna come back anymore
what's the point...i have nobody anyway...
maybe go to some peace crops thingy in some 3rd world country...
since there r ppl much worse than me...
i should go to them...that way i would be happier =D
Thursday, March 09, 2006
sorry
sob...cant believe it...i cried in public today ><"
well nobody saw...i think? but then still...
n i was still wondering how come so many ppl crying today...
today my class got back our bio paper...n got ppl cried
i was wondering wat happen today...
after that we were so siao...eating mcD in lecture theatre n crying n laughing n shouting here n there...
i thought our class had gone mad...
after that i had dance lessons...
just as the time approched 4pm...my stomach started aching...
n my head started spinning...
n i kept sneezing till my eyes were soo watery n red ><"
so i decided to skip dance class
gosh...i felt so bad lar...dumping my fren at dance class alone...
sorry...
i was really feeling down...n this morning i saw something that i shouldnt see...
made me so sad...n depressed...
n then i was walking around aimlessly outside...
really dono where i was walking to...n then i started crying...
so xia sui ><" dont know why but my tears dropped more n more...
n as im typing this know...gosh...i dont wanna further elaborate
haiz...how m i gona go back ler...i almost planned to walk back...
really didnt know where i was walking just now...
just wanted to walk to the end of the world...........
sorry...really sorry...
i promised myself not to cry...
but after so long i still cried...
sorry...
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
What my heart wants to say
stupid me...don't know my tears dropped once i hear the lyrics of this song~
Everybody's got something they had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go
I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you
Somewhere in my memory
I've lost all sense of time
And tomorrow can never be cos yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it should be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go
You'll always be the dream that fills my head
Yes you will, say you will, you know you will
Oh baby, you'll always be the one I know I'll never forget
There's no use looking back or wondering
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try
I just can't say goodbye
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Driving lesson
my god...today's 1st driving lesson totally changed my view on driving...
i was feeling pretty excited for it...
n when i really tried it...i wanted to quit ><"
really dont wanna drive arh~
all those reckless drivers on the road adds to my misery...
okay...so today...despite of my extra class i still persist on having my 1st driving lesson today...
but that time i was blardy tired man @@"
well once i get behind the wheels it's alright lar...
n i banged that ermm post alot of times =P
until he also like =.=...n i kept laughing there XD
hmm...the scary part is U turn!!
i turn that time too fast ><" i can feel myself swaying to 1 side...
n when he ask me to hit the brakes...i was so panic i pressed quite hard ><"
faint~
oh yeah...i dont like learning from him...really dont want
1stly...he dresses like...err...a dirty t-shirt n a dirty pants ><"
his face looks deformed n dam oily...n his body soo tan...gives me the impression of err he was burnt?
n then...the thing i cant stand most is...he smokes blardy hell alot!
wahkao...every few mins must smoke de ><"
I DONT WANNA LEARN FROM HIM!!! SOB~
n he is err pervert too ><"
u remember that driving instructor that keeps wanting to go yumchar with me?
he mentioned that again today...sigh~
i ermm just tahan all those...n try to drive...
gosh...when he asked me to drive back myself i was like */omg*
those of u who stay in klang should know...
the chi liung roundabout there is soo busy!!!
that time somemore after work ler...impossible to cross ><"
right after i go out of the place i drive is the roundabout edi @@"
i was like @@" all the way n he was controlling my steering...
n those ppl were impatient with me edi...cuz i was going only like...10kmph...
somemore stop there so long dont dare to cross the junction...
xia sui nyer...
but all in all...i want to drive again =D
practice makes perfect mar XD
blah~
sienz...later got extra class...
why oh why does she replace it on a tuesday?? when we finish class at 2...
wanna add to our misery...aiyah i wouldnt complain if this was a normal tuesday...
but i m having driving lessons later! if she hadnt replace the class today i m now preparing to drive! T.T
i very sien...really dono wat to do now ><"
currently i am at the library *yes...again!*
sigh~ rreally dont know what else to do edi...
i think u guys r getting awfully bored at reading 'i m so sien' in nearly all of my posts edi hor? ^^"
paiseh...cuz i have nothing else to type...n i have nothing else to do
what do u expect me to do in that 3 hours i stay back everyday?
sienz hor? study from morning edi...u dont ask me to study again arh! i m sick of the book
i need some rest deh...
i cant wait to drive later XD
=P at last get to drive...
oh yeah i read about something...some article online...
about how music can bring back memories...if the music is associated to a particular event...
i think i'll crap about this next time...chao`
Monday, March 06, 2006
Wee~ XD
Yippeee~!! XD !!!!
So happy~ ^^
I fixed my walkman bean!!!
I fixed it ~!!! My beanieee~
i saw my beanie in front of me n i was frust as i couldnt fix it...
my bro lar! dont wanna call my bro in law...he wanted to wait till next week when we go to his house only he wanna fix =.=
so i was fooling around with it...
n i decided to try something */gg*
and then.....
WEE~ i fixed it at last~
wakakaka...so happy~
from tmr onwards nonit to stare at ppl in the train again lorhh~
boring monday
sigh~
actually i typed 1 post just now in the web..
but it was so freaking slow i beh tahan just cancel it off!
gosh...i have short term memory man...
i cant even remember what i wrote just now...
err...i think it's something about my depressing college life?
oh yeah...i dont know what to do now till 6!!
i was thinking whether this was the college life i wanted =.=
anywayz...there's this hospital attachment thingy during the holidays...
i want to go!! well...not that i wanna study medicine next time...
but then...i like doing hospital attachment...
this is from the olden days where i was still in st john doing duties n such...
i really enjoy doing that ya know?
so chun when we can help ppl in the hospital...
should i go? i know i will be bzbzbz to death during holidays finishing up my research n all...
n i have no time to study...oh yeah...no time to go shopping as well!!
where got time for hospital attachment ler? but i really want to go T.T
n u know hor...my luck damn suey ler...
the driving lessons i have waited for soooo long...
i finally got it...yay~ she called me after 3 weeks!!
but then =.= why does she call this week?!!! when i have extra classes almost every day!!!
damn...if i didnt have extra classes it would be just nice...after school go driving few hours...
but then i m desperate! I WANT TO DRIVE!
so i had no choice but to start my lessons tomorrow anyway at 5pm =.=
imagine how tired would i be? classes till 4 n then rush to klang station n start driving ><"
i wonder whether that will affect my performance ><"
oh yeah...i get dam low marks for my ESL...only B
sigh~ speechless.....nvm i dont wanna crap so much...
umm...what else ler? sienz~ i think i'll find something to read in the meantime XD
Sunday, March 05, 2006
可悲
我好笨...傻傻的又哭了...
我一哭...就想到了他...
一个人哭好可怜...真的很孤单...很寂寞...
从小的愿望就是哭的时候有人陪...有人抱着我...让我静静地哭
每一次哭...陪我的却是我忠心的枕头...
我好累...每一天走同样的路到学校...走同样的路到火车站...
都是一个人...默默的走...
每一天想的...也是同样的东西...
想着原来我的人身是那么的可悲...
真的很可悲~
Friday, March 03, 2006
Dumb
I tell u hor...i dont wanna go on with SAM anymore...
i m getting such crappy results for all my tests...i really dont know what is wrong with me
i am determined to change and get good results but it seems to me that my results are declining...
well..i am saying this because i got VERY LOW for my maths test...
i dont wanna mention about it anymore...
maths is one of my stronger subjects...but then...all of them were disappointed with my results...sigh
Aiyah...got nothing much to say lar...
been busy finishing up my work...or should i say starting my work...where i m soooooo far behind...
wish me lots lots lots of luck yea...
*hungry* want to go eat now but dont wanna eat alone...i will look so desperate ><" sigh~
got bbq party at the garden ><" so tempting */e2* i smell food!! =P
lolx...i am going crazy...u know what i thought of? I thought of quitting school and go travel XD
wee! that way i can see the whole world...but then...where would i get the money =.=
i think i better chao~
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Damn
Dammit...i'm in a super bad mood now...
if u come n talk crap to me...most probably u will get scolding from me...
i was holding my anger for a while now...
let's see what gone wrong today...
first...i have this Malaysian studies project...damn dumb
well actually when we chose the topic...we thought it would be easy since national service is a good topic to write...
but then...how wrong we were as we weren't able to find ANY of the sources...
it's all just ermm...by word of mouth...damn...
n we are supposed to hand it in on monday...
a 20 pages project...how are we gonna finish it in time?
and some of us are being unhelpful here...
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Lost love
Umm...I came across something in the BigBro section of Star newspaper...
one of the advices i couldnt help but notice...
'You have to give time the opportunity to heal you.
But you also must want to be healed, and not continue to linger in the past, replaying your memories like a video tape that's looped.
Living in the past is like picking on a wound that's trying to heal, but not given the chance to.
When you live in the past, the present escapes you.
Opportunities go by you, as if you were in a car driving past them.
You're only 17 years old and your life is ahead of you, not behind.
Look to the present...'
sigh~ i understand that perfectly...
yet i find comfort in replaying the video tape of memories in my head...
i find forbidden pleasure from the pain by picking the wound
i want to go back to the past...
i miss...*
Sigh
I totally wanna quit SAM
by now...i have totally no hope of getting high TER edi...
really...it's just the beginning of March n i can do no more ><"
well i have hope...only if i get perfect scores for my final exam...which is totally impossible...
u know what?
today we had ESL common test...n it's to write generic essay...
the topic : Factors contributing to the increase in gangsterism in schools...
we were like 'YAY!!' cuz she discussed this topic with us b4...
n she reminded us again n again what we should do...
we were confident in answering the paper...very confident...
it was until she finished collecting our papers that she dropped the bombshell on us
'Did u all read the question properly? It says the INCREASE in gangsterism...not gansterism'
we were like 'huh? Isn't it the same?'
then she was like 'No...it's different...u should write about the factors leading to the INCREASE...not factors leading to gansterism'
'SHIT~'
u should see our faces then...u should really see...
gone~ i thought of writing up a good essay so that my final marks for CT1 wont be so low since i got awfully low marks in my plan outline n annotated bibliography...
but then...no hope edi...
haiz...today meichi came to college with me...
ate during break with them...miss those old times together lol...
then we went pyramid...walked around n yumchar at kimgary...
mei chi too rich...wat to do...
must say thx to her XD feel so bad lar...she chia me during break n in kim gary ><" paiseh...nx time if i earn money must chia her back XD
but then we went back early lor...i ended up waiting 30 mins at klang station for my mom...
however...i get to meet someone i havent seen in a long time...
it's a wonder he recognizes me sia...
but i think he don't know where he seen me b4 but he knows he seen me b4 =P
oh yeah...he's Tuan Teh XD...my officer from st.john...
chatted with him for a while...he kept asking me to join back st.john...
in the end only he asked me...u from where edi arh?
=.=
haiz...HAIZ~
oh yeah...wanna apologize if my blog is not as interesting...
i dont wanna upload any pics as it will make my site lag...
n i dont intend to attract more ppl to read this blog...
just wanna have a place where i can crap about my feelings XD