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Popo,
How come you left so suddenly? I hadn't had a chance to nicely talk to u. We haven't been expecting it to be so soon. I thought I had a few more years of your presence. Now I regret not spending more time with you, leaving you all alone in that room. It must be lonely isn't it? I'm so sorry, I really am.
Now that you're gone, I really miss you. I missed the times where u stayed in my house, took care of me yuan siang. I'm ashamed to say I took it for granted. Always fussy and picky about the food you cooked for our lunch, complaining it everytime and refusing to eat. I didn't realize how hard is it for an old lady to take care of herself, what more 2 naughty grandchildren. I've been such a bad granddaughter, never took care of you, even complained about you being in our house. I'm really, really sorry, I really regretted it. I should've been thankful instead, you being there taking care of us. I didn't have a chance to say thank you. If you can hear me, thank you so much for taking care of me, of us.
In all the memories I had with you in it, I've always been naugthy. I still remember the time when we were angry with you and stole your slippers. We even left in on top of a lorry that drove away, with your slippers, leaving you with nothing to wear. Then there were numerous times where we switched off the main power supply, and deprived you of water to cook dinner for us. Then there was this holiday we went together, when I did the unthinkable. We left you all alone in a shop in the middle of no where and we drove off. I couldn't remember it much now, but I think I realized you were not in the car, and I kept quiet about it. Apparently was excited at the thought of driving off without you. Thinking back now, I really am sorry, can't emphasize enough on how bad I felt. Luckily nothing happened to you that time. When we went back to pick you up, you didn't even scold us, just asked us what took us so long. After that you still joked with us in the car, laughing along with us about jokes about you, apparently unaware that we were laughing about you. And not to forget every week when we went to Kepong, the adventures that we had involving you. You always forbid us to drink Vitagen upstairs and we would always make plans to steal up a bottle or 2 upstairs. There will always be someone who would talk to you to distract you, and the rest of us would steal it upstairs. Those times, I really miss.
Last time I used to think that you didn't love me enough, didn't care about me. And the way you treated me compared to others made me angry and sad. The ways you lived annoyed me as well. Then, I didn't realized that you were old, and those are just normal for old people. I should've cared about you more. I always thought that you didn't like me, what with all the scoldings and complains to other people about me not being a good girl. Only now that I remembered those times with you did I realize that you actually cared about me. In little ways that I did not realize it at that time. During the time you slept with me in my room, you will always look after me by hitting the mosquitoes which bit me. Every morning I would wake up to see how many mosquitoes you saved my blood from, and traces of blood on my legs and hands. And when I was hungry at night and tried to cook for myself, I thought you came out to scold me for making so much noise in the middle of the night. Instead, you taught me how and helped me cook my first 'tang hun' which was very delicious. Then those times when I played piano, I thought you would complain to neighbours about it. Little did I know you were actually praising about how nice I played to them. All those little things, you really did care about me. I know it now.
The last I saw of you was when I went back for holidays in December. You were so old, changed so much and deteriorated so fast in such a short period of time. I almost couldn't believe you looked this old. I know that what was to happen was imminent, yet I thought I would have more chance to see you. That day, when I went in to talk to you, I was glad you still remembered me. Yet I couldn't understand a word you were saying. All the time I was trying to hold my gag and wanting to get out of the room as fast as possible as I couldn't stand the smell of your urine and discharge. I regret it now, should've stayed longer to talk to you more. I kept trying to move away and out of the room, and I'll never forget the last time you looked at me. It was like telling me to stay longer yet had no strength to hold on. Then when I went back, they told me you still thought of me in your last moments before you left. You kept telling the maid that I didn't wash my shoes. You remembered me.
When it happened, you went alone. How I hope that you didn't have to go through it yourself, that you would have someone beside you when it happened. It is sad to here that you just left, alone. But I'm glad that you went away peacefully. I guess it's for the best.
If you can hear me, I just want to say sorry again, I really really am sorry for all the wrongs I did, and all the times when I hurt you. I regretted my wrongdoings and I hope you would forgive me. And thank you so much for taking care of me when I was young, and for being there. I know this doesn't justify your past when you had to give birth to my dad alone in the oil palm plantation, and raising 7 kids alone. You were so very strong, and I look up to you. Thank you again for everything you did. Last but not least, I do love you, I hope you know that.
Your granddaughter,
the one who is hokkien-lang but cannot speak hokkien-wei.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
my mood lately's been like a roller coaster...
within 1 minute i can change my mood like...5 times?
i really dont know how i feel...
i....
i would be lying if i said i was fine
there would be times when i was...almost fine...
almost as in trying very hard...
persuading myself that everything would be okay...
that i neednt care bout everything n just...let it pass
but most times i just...
i would pretend that im fine...
but deep inside im suffering...
that internal struggle within is painful...
at times i just couldnt take it anymore n just...break down
after which i can smile n continue with my work
been busying myself lately with homeworks n study
i know it's too early to study
but that's the only thing i can do
else i would be thinking bout stuffs i shouldnt go into
i dont even want to on msn to avoid...stuffs
being alone...prolly is better for me
in...1 hour's time it would be that day...
the day i dread so much...
its complicated...
for a big part of last year i thought i could handle it
thought that maybe...i wouldnt be feeling so sad anymore
that maybe...i would just shrug it off like any other day
but it seems that...inside me i took notice of the day
after 18 years of sadness...loneliness...wishful thinking
i still hadn't learn my lesson eh?
when m i going to learn that...it's best if i just...avoid it
or pretend that it's any other day
didnt know i could feel sadder n sadder each year
thought it would dilate with time somewhat
i dont have to elaborate on why is it the same each year
im guessing around the same time last year n last last year i would find posts which explain
never had a happy one before
not in my memory
it was always...like this
i...
i always wish that maybe 1 year it would be different
but i know that i wouldnt dare to even put hope in it
i just...
maybe it shouldnt happen
dont know how i will take it though
just used to...the good ol' tradition like every year
where i...celebrate myself...
oh well...
happy birthday to me...
Monday, January 21, 2008
dear bloggie,
i thought i will be fine
well...i guess not
funny how i only feel like posting whenever i feel down
not the other way round
guess im just wanna to pour my feelings somewhere
i've been...very touchy lately
to the extend where...
i woke up feeling very down n just wanna hide from everyone n everything
normally my emo-ness will go away after a good night's sleep
but when bad dreams about loneliness are factored in the sleep
dont think that's gonna help wash away the feelings
kinda forgot to mention that
been crying alot lately
it's been a while since i was in that mood
that lingering sadness that surrounds me for days...or weeks even
where anything can trigger my mood
n just release the sadness n tears held inside me for so long
i tried hard to be happy...to be normal
yet deep inside i feel.........
sigh...
i dont want to be alone
yet i want to be alone...
guess i'm better off alone...
safe in my sanctuary where i can cry all i want
dont have to hide my feelings
pretend to smile when deep inside me i feel like crying
put on a happy mask in front of everyone
im tired...
i dont want to try to be happy anymore
i thought i could at least...
little did i know its all falling apart
im beginning to see how everything is
n how i fit in everything
n that in reality im so far away from everything else
that im just not...welcomed
maybe i should just cool off for a few days
of course the reason behind all this may be that upcoming day
where i dread so much...
as the clock ticks closer to that day
i'll be feeling worse n worse...
even nothing can set me off being emo
so...
it's best if i hide
where i belong
alone
Thursday, January 17, 2008
i owe this blog alot of posts...
but didnt get to posting it...
i still have a draft bout new year n genting trip
plus lots of things i want to say...
maybe...i guess maybe i should just forget about it...
i...
to be frank i...
i am crying for no reason now...
i dont know why...
just....so sudden with no reason at all
well...maybe i know how im feeling right now
but i didnt know wat triggered it...
this time of the year maybe?
where i'll feel unusually lonely...
cant blame me though...
i feel like...blurting out to someone
but there's no one...
n the thought of it makes me even sadder
not that i want anyone special
just...a friend...
but i guess i dont have one that wont mind me being emo for no reason
perhaps i am that lonely
u know i realize that
underneath all that...
or maybe there's no underneath
it is that shallow after all...
it's just...the same as last year
i thought im immuned
i thought i was...
i was wrong now that i see....
im still the same
i can still feel...
if it's already like this now
i shudder to think how will it be on that day
i dont want to break down
is there...anyone?
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
My 2008 resolutions:
ummm.....
err.....?
>.<"
oh well....here it is
same old...same old
1. To study hard not only for my exams but also for everything that i have learnt. Must have the habit of studying everyday now that im in a uni, not to mention singapore.
2. Go on a holiday!!!!!! argh!! still havent been to any...I need to unwind and relax.
3. Take up more CCA's and join more activities...especially sports! I am so unhealthy nowadays.
4. Sleep and eat properly! During exams as well!!! not to skip any meals...or skip my sleeping time for studying...soooo unhealthy...where's my basic survival instinct? =.="
5. Not to skip lectures or tutorials just because i feel like it... =X Must work harder!! Cannot be so lazy anymore! =(
that's...about it? =D
dont know how many i'm gonna keep up to anyways...
seems bleak.... =/
2007 Reflections
Happy New Year~!! =)
sorry i'm abit late in this...wasnt around at home much ya know =/
so...here goes...
2007....
a year when i'm finally 18...
n incidently a year where i grown up alot
the start of the year gone by without much things happening
only...my miserable birthday >.<"
18's are when most ppl have a blast during their birthday parties
to celebrate the age they finally become adult?
mine? bahh....stuck at home crying to myself...
not even a cake or a wish from my family members...
oh well...at least that gave me the realization that was 18 years late...
finally!
i was bound to realize that birthdays are just...
well...any other day...or...on the contrary...
the worst day of the year for me...
reminds me of my birth which should never have happened >.<"
learnt never to hope for anything on my birthday anymore =)
a big decision that i had to make in 2007 was concerning my future
where to study? what to study?
i was put in a huge dilemma...
IMU or NUS? doctor or scientist? malaysia or singapore? home or away?
so many things to consider...so many decisions to make...
in february i started in IMU...made the decision to be a doctor
and try my best to study hard n enjoy my uni life there
n so i started living alone independently...away from my family
it was....not a huge blow to me as to some ppl...
rather...a relief that i can finally move out of the house =/
maybe i'm better off living alone...
although i was consumed by the overwhelming loneliness everyday...
i managed to pull it through...
yet life at imu...was not as i expected it to be
the stress n the constant studying just doesnt suit me...
it's not me to just study everyday with no activities
i was bored to death...no friends...no life...no nothing
i was demotivated...wanted to get out of there as soon as possible
so when NUS finally offered me...
i took the offer without hesitation and ignoring painfully the fact that i wasted RM28k for IMU >.<"
knowing somewhere in my heart that...life will be better in NUS...
and boy was i right...
albeit the enormous amount of stress i had to go through
the super 'kiasu-ness' of the ppl there...
the constant studying everyday...
the hectic timetable
the neverending assignments and tutorials n projects
not to mention tests almost everyweek
i did enjoy myself...i really do =)
took a little getting used to with the life there...
struggled alot during the 1st few weeks...
eventually i settled down and started to enjoy life there...
definately better than imu
with the hectic timetable...i almost didnt have time for myself
so that eliminates the need to let any sad feelings get to me
the thing that i gained from there was...
i learnt to be more hardworking...and really study
never studied that hard in my life before...
and yet my results r the worst i've gotten...
that shows that uni life isnt that easy...
i will have to work harder =)
nevertheless...my leaving to singapore meant that i have to leave alot of things behind
family...not that sad though =/
my cousin! without her i can't shop...and i proved that theory by my having never shopped in singapore without her and not buying anything there =.="
gonna miss those times we spent together...
my friends from m'sia...although i dont have many close friends here
i felt sad leaving them...cant go out together...cant yumchar...cant hangout ady =(
also made new friends that i cherish alot in the past year
funny that friends that i known for only a few months can be that close and that sincere...sad that i had to leave for singapore though
in singapore i made new friends too...n i'm glad to be a part of them...
enjoy the times we hang out n eat n just chill...XD
but the 1 thing i was glad leaving behind was my feelings for someone
finally i let go of the feelings after 2 years
boy...such long struggle i had to go through...
the pain was never less and very real despite months passed...
it was even worse when i had to see him when i was in imu
although....i chosed to see him >.<"
cant help it as i still missed him...
yet when i was slapped with the cold hard truth that he doesnt care abit
even when i was face to face with him
i still wanted to see him the next time
each time seeing him would have me return with heartbreaks and tears
cant help it....but finally...i had let go of it...im sure of it
but as for now...i dont want to be involved in any relationship
although at times when i look at other couples...i would feel a tinge of loneliness and longingness in my heart...
but that would pass soon enough...
as for now....i guess being single is better =)
i guess that's about it for 2007....
looking forward to the new year =D